Marriage: The Forsaken Dream

Marriage has a black eye in the eyes of many, maybe two broken ribs, a busted lip, and a missing tooth. There's such a bad perception of marriage right now that the government won't even let gay people get married. We both know that has nothing to do with it but I wanted to slide it in there anyway. I'm not old enough to know exactly when marriage started on this slippery slope nor am I looking for it because I don't get paid for research and you didn't come here for facts, lol.


We live in a time where men are praised for being players and women are saluted for being strong and single. Monogamy is not encouraged and commitment is viewed as a hindrance to free will and ambition. Women are bitches. Men are assholes....basically a bunch of "glass half empty" fueled opinions. I know that negativity dwells in the forefront of our conscience far better than the positives, but it's definitely something YOU CAN change if you make the effort.


I'm no stranger to seeing failed marriages or witnessing a couple rush in to that sacred union then start the divorce papers before they can even move in together. Get hitched, have three kids, go through hell, then suddenly seem happier once they separate. There have been a few that I thought would "make it" and 10+ years later their marriage is shit too. Even after witnessing all that...I don't think being married sucks. Divorce sucks. People in general suck. But marriage, that shit "SHOULDN'T" suck.

I don't think the titles 'Husband' or 'Wife' come with a job description. Sometimes it seems that's where it all goes wrong for some men and women...having a "list." A woman has to cook, clean, stay home with the kids, watch football, eat sour patch kids, wear lingerie to bed on Saturday nights, have food on the table when a man gets home, be a freak, and lets not forget the old testament favorite...be obedient (no questions asked). A man has to take the trash out, cut the grass, get his woman's car washed, man the grill at cookouts, open doors, give a woman his jacket when it's cold, and let's not forget every woman's new favorite...catch a grenade for her. (1st, fcuk that. 2nd, even if I catch the damn thing it has a 45 meter radius so you're dead anyway. 3rd, how the fcuk did you make someone mad enough to want to kill you with a grenade?! Not a gun or a knife but a fcuking grenade?! Either you take cover with me or you're...well I hope you think of something clever heaux.) 

Being shallow and a Sagittarius, I'm already hard to please. Not because I have high standards or only desire a specific body type or ethnicity but because I'm uncompromising to the obsolete, irrational, traditional views on relationships. Besides this blog, I don't voice my opinions on people without their permission or only at their request. I mind my business. I have that same point of view when it comes to any woman I'm dealing with. I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm not a pastor. I'm not your parent. So therefore it's not my job nor is it my responsibility to facilitate any type of transformation your personality needs to go through in order for you to be a rational adult and own up to your strengths and more importantly your weaknesses. 

I don't believe marriage is something you do because you love someone.You can love a lot of people...easily. I don't think marriage is something you do because you have a child with someone...you can have a child with a lot of people...easily. You marry someone because they're perfect for you. Just the way they are. 

I'm going to teach my children to always think before you speak. Don't make decisions when you're emotional. Just because someone is mad and screaming at you doesn't mean you have to respond. Always see and change what they're doing wrong before they place blame on anyone. That you can always be a good person no matter who hurts you. Never to let anyone change the way they think or do things so someone can love them more. To love to do the right thing, not because some book, tv show, or horoscope tells you to, but because you want to. Take your time with love because people with bitter feelings over their past eventually show their true colors. And that marriage isn't something you do because you love someone it's something you do when it's the only thing left to do in your relationship. 

Lunch Time: The Best Time of the Day

According to me, the expert on all things that can't be proven by math and science, lunch time has to be the single most nostalgic, amazing, and therapeutic part of your fcuking day. I know you just thought to yourself that it's not....lie to yourself again and I'll slap the shit out of you. How dare you second guess how important lunch is to you! Lunch has probably been the most consistent thing in your life next to the entire cast of Young and the Restless. (Seriously I think that show's had the same cast since 1933)

When we were babies we had lunch...and we didn't even have shit to do! We didn't have a schedule, we didn't have anywhere to be, what were our shitty booty lil asses doing having lunch?! (I had lunch because I was a little boss of course, not sure you) Lunch was great in Pre-K wasn't it, because you knew after everyone finished you were about to go outside to push some girls on the ground, bully the weirdo's imaginary friend just for fun, maybe touching the playground attendant inappropriately because she didn't think you knew what you were doing so she'd let you get away with it...and then you'd take a nap before going home. Lunch was great in grade school because that's when you learned how to sell and trade your lunch to the spoiled brats who didn't know any better and you pretty much did the same thing you did at recess that you did in Pre-K lol. Lunch was so important in middle school and high school. Looking back of course you think "why?" and it still won't matter but lunch was just as important as Tina Fey laid it out for us in Mean Girls.

Who you sat with at lunch defined your social status somehow no matter how much you want to pretend like it didn't. You've probably already guessed how I acted after I finished eating and went outside..........YUP, STRAIGHT FOOL, much like Big Mike, Roland, and Slim in 'The Wood'

Out of all the history we've learned through the years, out of all the lessons generations before us tried to teach how come they never told us how fcuking awesome lunches would be for THE REST OF MY FCUKING LIFE. Since I've been an adult I look forward to lunch so fcuking bad dawg! Especially on days you don't want to be there, it's like your whole morning drags and drains the life out of you then suddenly you think to yourself "damn what time is it"...you slowly look to the bottom right corner of your computer screen and it's the exact time you want it to be...LUNCH TIME (Fcuk Yeah. Fireworks. Explosion. Marching Band. 'This Is How We Do It' starts playing in the background. More Fireworks. HALLELUJAH!) I think I'm excited most about lunch because I know I'm halfway there...my day is almost over and I can get the fcuk out of here. You can run errands during your lunch, take something to the post office, go for a walk, go for a drive nshit, go to the store, do some online shopping, write a blog post (hehe), catch up on work or homework....whatever your heart desires sometimes.  

No matter how you look at it lunch time is a much needed break and it's here to stay [awesome].

Lunch is so awesome even unemployed people take a lunch.

When You Truly Don't Give a Fcuk Who Is In Your Way

When the new Jordans or Foams get released

It's a new trend but pretty much it's "get down or lay down" I here. I don't wear those shoes so I wouldn't know from experience. Just be careful.

When you have to take a shit or pee really bad

I don't know what it is but you become more elusive than Mike Vick when you're running to the bathroom. 

When you have to vomit

Babies have never given a fcuk who they throw up on (bastards) but you know the deal...sometimes you make it a toilet...sometimes you don't.

When a fight breaks out

Whether you're running from the fight or running to it. Somebody better look both ways before crossing.

When a dog is chasing you

I think these are dogs where he's from! O__O

When a bug sneaks up on you

Big or small if I hear or see a bug flying around my head just back the fcuk up or you might get punched.

When white men are chasing you

I don't give a fcuk what Mel Gibson says...If you see a pack of White Boys coming after you....smdh....they're gonna fcuk you (literally), kill you, THEN get away with it. 

Last but not least....



That awkward moment when you realize your Uncle Scar FCUKED YOU!

Stop Whispering Near Me

I don't know about you...but it annoys thee fcuk out of me when two or more people are whispering within my audio range. It's not the possibility of you actually talking about me that annoys me. It's not the repeated use of consonants that make it sound like you're whispering my name every thirteen seconds. It's not the giggling. It's not the fact that it could be some juicy ass gossip that I'd care about enough to make me celebrate like the time I saw Anne Hathaway's chesticles in 'Love & Other Drugs' (which I had been waiting to see since Princess Diaries).......It's the fact that anywhere from 60 seconds to 20+ minutes I had to sit or stand there and PRETEND I wasn't ear hustling thee WHOLE. FCUKING. TIME. When all I really wanted to do was pull a Dwight Schrute. (See below)

That shit is hard to do (successfully), bro.We're all entitled to do whisper wherever we choose, I think. After the age of 13 I don't think it's rude anymore. But, don't get mad when you look over your shoulder and someone is staring you in the face. You could have went to the hallway, Sea World, stairwell, car, Grand Canyon, restroom, or kitchen....instead you chose to whisper to your friend 2-15 fcuking feet away from me and now I'm the one that feels more awkward than the persons who blatantly can't mind their own business. SO...not fair.

TITTYOPOLIS

TITTIES HERE.


TITTIES THERE.


FUCKING TITTIES EVERYWHERE.


I LOVE TITTIES I DON'T CARE.


BIG ASS TITTIES MAKE ME STARE.


DON'T HIDE THOSE TITTIES, THAT'S NOT FAIR.


FLASH THOSE TITTIES, SHOW YOU CARE.


SHAKE YOUR TITTIES, DOUBLE DARE.


BRING THOSE TITTIES OVER HERE.


I'M ON A BOAT, JOIN ME DEAR.


WOULD YOUR TITTIES LIKE TO STEER?


WOULD YOUR TITTIES LIKE A BEER?


"HEY ASSHOLE, EYES UP HERE."


GIRL YOUR TITTIES DRIVE ME WILD.


GIRL YOUR TITTIES MAKE ME SMILE.


CAN YOUR TITTIES STAY A WHILE?


NOW I'VE GOT YOUR TITTIES DRUNK.


YOUR BIG ASS TITTIES GET ME CRUNK.


I LOVE YOUR TITTIES I CAN'T FRONT.


I LIKE YOUR TITTIES WHEN THEY'RE UP, SITTING HIGH LIKE ESCALADES.


THROW SOME WATER ON THEM THANGS, TITTIES WET LIKE EVERGLADES.


T-SHIRT TITTIES. TANK TOP TITTIES. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR TITTIES WEAR.


ITTY BITTY. TIG OLE BITTIES. I LOVE EM ALL NOW FUCKING SHARE.


LICKING TITTIES, THAT'S THE SHIT.


SUCKING TITTIES, THAT'S MY SHIT.


I'LL BITE THAT SHIT.


YOU'LL LIKE THAT SHIT.


AND NOW YOU GOT ME TITTY WHIPPED.


DAMN...I LIKE SUGAR, AND TITTIES. I LIKE SUGAR TITS.


DAMN...I LIKE POWER, AND TITTIES. I LIKE SUPER TITS.


DAMN, I'M SO FUCKING GLAD I LIVE IN TITTYOPOLIS.

Shallow O, There's (a little bit of) One In You Too

I'm shallow, I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm aware that the term is usually synonymous with a guy being a "douche bag" or "asshole" but, not when it comes to me. I'm a total fcuking gentleman when it comes down to it so that's why I'm not afraid to make such a bold proclamation. You're probably judging the shit out of me right now but I swear this is for a good cause, and the pretty heauxs know how I get funky with the chivalry nshit so JUDGE AWAY assholes. Moving on.....If you haven't noticed...I kind of like to hear myself talk so it doesn't bother me when I have to explain myself every time the person who's requested the response from me gives the reaction of pure bewilderment.

The question that usually exposes my superficial preference is: "O, would you leave your woman if she got fat?"

HELL YEAH

First..."got fat" (in my head) means they've gained 50-70+ pounds that had absolutely nothing to do with baby weight. She might have been eating for two but it didn't have shit to do with a fetus growing in her. If I met her at 110lbs or 130lbs or 155lbs for that matter than I expect her to remain 10-15lbs within that weight range.

Second...if at a certain point in our relationship she feels the need to eat her got damn feelings then that probably means that I'm no longer capable of being her man. Gluttony is often a stress reliever for some people. If she's so stressed out that she can't talk to me about whatever may be going on than that means somewhere along the road to Candyland she lost faith in me, and I am no longer a sufficient enough distraction from her problems. Food makes her happier than I can.

Third...letting her "get fat" while I sit idle and do nothing is the beginning of a very fcuked up situation. I'll let you get fat. You'll think I'll still be faithful because you're a good person. I start going Tigerstyle on anything that moves. You finally confront me about cheating and not being intimate with you anymore. I blame it on your weight gain and how I'm not attracted to you anymore. You eat more cake blah, blah, blah.

Watching my girl get fat is pretty much manipulation in its most conniving form. That's not my steez so if I can't fix you or encourage you to maintain your good looks then this relationship isn't meant to be and I'll cut my losses and get the fcuk outta dodge. I'm not all douchey about my shallowness I'm just realistic. Appearance matters. It matters the moment I meet you. It matters after we have our first child. It matters after our youngest graduates from High School.

I'm not a moron, I know people age and tend to look older as their number of years alive has significantly passed that of a death row inmate. I'm not saying she always has to look young but she does always need to keep up with herself. Because remember...there's always some young slores out there trying to seduce your man. Preserving a physically fit and healthy body, properly managing a decent look about your hairdo daily, and well maintained hygiene is very important to me and always will me. No exceptions. Take it or leave it, beach. And a couple cap fulls of vinegar in your bath every now and then won't hurt either. The wise Bubba Sparxx once said "Get it right. Get it tight." *TABERNACLE*

Enough about me...your turn.

You've probably been programmed to think "It's the inside that counts..." WRONG. They lied to you growing up. The inside only counts the most when you have a Hostess cake in your hand and the cream filling is missing. Selection starts with attraction and we as human beings are attracted to a persons looks, what they have, what they drive, what they wear. The OUTSIDE is everything and the intangibles and qualities they possess is a mere bonus. Nobody wants to fcuk a personality. Beaches don't want to fcuk George Clooney because of his personality. Niqqas don't care if Rihanna is bat shit crazy we'd (yes I'm including myself) still take a chance at her bearing our children aka it's going down without a raincoat, baby!

I'd just really appreciate if everyone would be like me and admit that physical attraction holds the majority votes when it comes to deciding whether or not you're going to date someone. There are exceptions to every rule (i.e. Beauty & Beast, J.Lo & Mark Anthony, T.I. & Tiny). Some people have the opportunity to get to know someone before they're immediately attracted to them and even then they at least have to be a 6 to sleep with them. So with the exclusion of arranged marriages nshit...most people seek out another individual by what they see, not because of who they are as a person. Beauty. Age. Vehicle. Clothing. Teeth. Hair. Eyes. Money. A little more than half of those things IMMEDIATELY matter to you when someone approaches you. No matter how nice they are.

If you want to be selective. Be selective. If you don't want to settle. Don't settle. Don't let anyone tell you that the superficial things that matter to you are worth giving up for a "good guy" or a "good girl." Because you are the one that has to make that choice and possibly live with it for the rest of your life. Be like me. Demand that they have to be good looking and a good woman. There's nothing wrong with having both. Compromising, I believes, will lead to regret. Regret will lead to a break up or divorce. If that's not the end result you want than don't do it. Period.

Stay Shallow My Friends (In my Dos Equis Man voice)

Drizzy Drake: The False Prophet of YMCMB (cont.)

One of my readers brought up some good points about the Drizzy post:

          "There was somethings that you didn't address that I wish you had done. Your criticism was spot on and I have nothing to disagree with you on your points. However, not one bit of it was constructive. I wish you had addressed what he should be doing instead, like getting back to what made him blow up in the first place. Instead of saying that he's rapping about life that he ain't bout, I wish you could remind people of the life he was 'bout and what made people, you, and I a fan of him in the first place. You should of addressed not just Lil Wayne bitchin him in that pic with weezy kissin that bitch, but also address how his influence on him hasn't been healthy for his rap career in the long term. You mad at him about actin hard when he really ain't 'bout dat life? So is everybody else, but we need to look hard and see who the culprit is. Somebody who has the act hard fake ass mentality but got homosexual tendencies-Lil Wayne. He got Aubrey to start doin that fake as shit. Was he on that shit before he got on YMCMB? Hell to the fuck nawww! Weezy's bitch ass was the one who put him on that shit. Killing his career at his overall expense for the almighty dollar. Be mad at Lil Wayne for puttin him on that mainstream shit. Underground is probably where Drake shoulda stayed, he woulda kept it real on that level. This is the same for every rapper who went mainstream and stopped talkin bout that real shit they was bout. Aubrey is no different. If anything, y'all knew from the start that Drake singing with Lil Wayne was just the first red flag indicator that he just didn't know any better. And he still doesn't."

Three things:

1) +2 points for your reply to my post sir.

2) Aubrey was raised without his father in his immediate home. He only visited him during the summers. We also don't know how close they were emotionally. So history shows us that when boys are becoming men...that 20/21 age is crucial to our morals and the personality we will most likely display for the next 10-15 years at least. Aubrey met Lil Wayne at the age of 21 so naturally, a man in his profession, at the success level he wants to attain or eventually surpass, is going to be the choice of his admiration. We can't help it, and some men just don't posses enough strength mentally to withstand influences even when they are far from the norm.

3) I'm definitely a fan of artists growing. Personally and lyrically. So I can't agree with you 100% that he needs or should to go back to the artist he was before YMCMB. Rapping about goons in DC, NOT BUYING  IT, BRUH. Rapping about mixing Sprite and lean, SHOULDN'T BE TRYING IT, BRUH. We've seen rappers be successful when the subject and lifestyle of their songs change. Jay-Z continues to do it. Kanye is doing it now. Lil Wayne (even though we don't agree) is doing it now as well. Judging from his music, it doesn't sound like he's GROWING. Songs/verses about being upset at artists "copying" you, being whipped to the fcuking max, constantly fantasizing about Nicki Minaj, and swinging from Lil Wayne's dwarf balls is NOT A GOOD LOOK, AUBREY!!

P.S. If I catch your bright ass wearing Uggs & Jeggings like your role model I will personally sue you for blatant defamation of your own character.