Shallow O, There's (a little bit of) One In You Too

I'm shallow, I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm aware that the term is usually synonymous with a guy being a "douche bag" or "asshole" but, not when it comes to me. I'm a total fcuking gentleman when it comes down to it so that's why I'm not afraid to make such a bold proclamation. You're probably judging the shit out of me right now but I swear this is for a good cause, and the pretty heauxs know how I get funky with the chivalry nshit so JUDGE AWAY assholes. Moving on.....If you haven't noticed...I kind of like to hear myself talk so it doesn't bother me when I have to explain myself every time the person who's requested the response from me gives the reaction of pure bewilderment.

The question that usually exposes my superficial preference is: "O, would you leave your woman if she got fat?"

HELL YEAH

First..."got fat" (in my head) means they've gained 50-70+ pounds that had absolutely nothing to do with baby weight. She might have been eating for two but it didn't have shit to do with a fetus growing in her. If I met her at 110lbs or 130lbs or 155lbs for that matter than I expect her to remain 10-15lbs within that weight range.

Second...if at a certain point in our relationship she feels the need to eat her got damn feelings then that probably means that I'm no longer capable of being her man. Gluttony is often a stress reliever for some people. If she's so stressed out that she can't talk to me about whatever may be going on than that means somewhere along the road to Candyland she lost faith in me, and I am no longer a sufficient enough distraction from her problems. Food makes her happier than I can.

Third...letting her "get fat" while I sit idle and do nothing is the beginning of a very fcuked up situation. I'll let you get fat. You'll think I'll still be faithful because you're a good person. I start going Tigerstyle on anything that moves. You finally confront me about cheating and not being intimate with you anymore. I blame it on your weight gain and how I'm not attracted to you anymore. You eat more cake blah, blah, blah.

Watching my girl get fat is pretty much manipulation in its most conniving form. That's not my steez so if I can't fix you or encourage you to maintain your good looks then this relationship isn't meant to be and I'll cut my losses and get the fcuk outta dodge. I'm not all douchey about my shallowness I'm just realistic. Appearance matters. It matters the moment I meet you. It matters after we have our first child. It matters after our youngest graduates from High School.

I'm not a moron, I know people age and tend to look older as their number of years alive has significantly passed that of a death row inmate. I'm not saying she always has to look young but she does always need to keep up with herself. Because remember...there's always some young slores out there trying to seduce your man. Preserving a physically fit and healthy body, properly managing a decent look about your hairdo daily, and well maintained hygiene is very important to me and always will me. No exceptions. Take it or leave it, beach. And a couple cap fulls of vinegar in your bath every now and then won't hurt either. The wise Bubba Sparxx once said "Get it right. Get it tight." *TABERNACLE*

Enough about me...your turn.

You've probably been programmed to think "It's the inside that counts..." WRONG. They lied to you growing up. The inside only counts the most when you have a Hostess cake in your hand and the cream filling is missing. Selection starts with attraction and we as human beings are attracted to a persons looks, what they have, what they drive, what they wear. The OUTSIDE is everything and the intangibles and qualities they possess is a mere bonus. Nobody wants to fcuk a personality. Beaches don't want to fcuk George Clooney because of his personality. Niqqas don't care if Rihanna is bat shit crazy we'd (yes I'm including myself) still take a chance at her bearing our children aka it's going down without a raincoat, baby!

I'd just really appreciate if everyone would be like me and admit that physical attraction holds the majority votes when it comes to deciding whether or not you're going to date someone. There are exceptions to every rule (i.e. Beauty & Beast, J.Lo & Mark Anthony, T.I. & Tiny). Some people have the opportunity to get to know someone before they're immediately attracted to them and even then they at least have to be a 6 to sleep with them. So with the exclusion of arranged marriages nshit...most people seek out another individual by what they see, not because of who they are as a person. Beauty. Age. Vehicle. Clothing. Teeth. Hair. Eyes. Money. A little more than half of those things IMMEDIATELY matter to you when someone approaches you. No matter how nice they are.

If you want to be selective. Be selective. If you don't want to settle. Don't settle. Don't let anyone tell you that the superficial things that matter to you are worth giving up for a "good guy" or a "good girl." Because you are the one that has to make that choice and possibly live with it for the rest of your life. Be like me. Demand that they have to be good looking and a good woman. There's nothing wrong with having both. Compromising, I believes, will lead to regret. Regret will lead to a break up or divorce. If that's not the end result you want than don't do it. Period.

Stay Shallow My Friends (In my Dos Equis Man voice)

10 Quick Ways To Lose The Honey Before You Get To Taste

1. Questioning or Criticizing Her Appearance.
Don't ask if it's her real hair. Don't ask if it's her real hair color. And don't even think about telling her that you don't think she needs the make-up she's wearing. You wouldn't ask Rihanna's fine ass ANY of those questions so don't do it to her, just live in the moment and worry about that crap when you're the one paying for it.

2. A Premature "Babe."
Don't be like this guy and regret that you said the word and now shit is super awkward! Just to be on the safe side...don't EVER use that word before she does. If you have to, might as well only use it right before you pull out the engagement ring. If she has never called you one of those affectionate labels, chances are she doesn't think it's serious enough for "all" that yet. Drive slow homie...

3. P. D. A.
A lot of guys have ruined their chances or had to start all the way over after poorly executing some public display of affection. The key [danger] indicator here is "PUBLIC." In public, if you fck up there's little to no chance of recovering. Your best bet is to wait until no one is around and there's minimal visibility, so less chance for humiliation and a better setting for her to just let you go for it. Walk to the car or her doorstep...shit like that.

4. Don't Be a Bitch Dude.

No whining. No complaining. Even if you have a ton of pet peeves don't mention it unless it's a legit medically diagnosed condition. Make sure you bring some confidence to your date...by any means necessary. 

5. Controlling or Possessive.

Did that work out well for Marc? Did that work out well for Ike? Oh ok...Jada Pinkett-Smith gets to "do" whatever she wants. She's happy, Will's happy...be like him and work on SELF control and if you reach the Honey Pot you might be there for a long time. Jealousy doesn't look good on anyone.

6. Excessive Texts or Phone Calls

Don't do it. Stop forcing a conversation or you'll drive her crazy. When she hits you with two shorts answers in a row or the classic "k" convo is over bro especially if it's late. Only time it's allowed is if she's about to make you late to the movies. I hate showing up to a movie ON TIME, we should be at least 30mins early. Fck I look like sitting right under the screen when I'm paying $12?! "Shiiiiit, girl you better bring that ass." (That was in my pimp voice.)

7. Vulgar Compliments

Most importantly...it's a TRAP. If she brought the girls to dinner it's only to test you. The way to pass this test and get a step closer to laying those Honey Buns on those new Martha Stewart sheets you just bought from K Mart is to be vague! Can't go wrong with a simple "you look great" or some other non specific adjective.

8. Don't Be Lame.

Those douche bag pickup lines that you laugh at on the internet...yeah leave that shit right where you found it. Women (who aren't in front of a camera) don't think it's attractive...just corny. Not many women are letting corny dudes near their canal of sweet nectar. Ask Nick. 

9. No Substance In Your Conversations.

There's really no easy way to coach this one, I just know it's a bad thing. Just try to have a little more to talk about than your ex's, Lil Wayne, sex and whatever you saw on E! News the past few days. None of that is gonna convince her that you can last a few rounds in the Hot Box, probably just gonna bore her to death. But hey...good luck bro, more for me.

10. Don't Be Her Social Media Buddy.

Especially if both of you are equally into social media then that might be a disaster waiting to happen. Regardless if you make a relationship official on Facebook or not...the other guys she knows don't give two shits about that. So if you choose to follow or friend remember you only have two choices that you can take to keep you in the game...First, get some thick skin. Second, hold your tongue. (Remember what I said about being controlling.)

These might not be so helpful if you're trying to date a hoodrat. But feel free to come back to this page in a few years when you mature. Peace...