Thursday, January 26, 2012

Words Of Horror: "We Need To Talk"

When someone say..."we need to talk" the universal reaction is always (See Below)

...then you calm your nerves and prepare yourself for the worst.

THEN when that person says..."never mind" the universal reaction is always (See Below)

...then you're pissed that you even mentally prepared yourself for that bullshit. Nevertheless, this encounter isn't over, you have three choices.

a) You can choose to take advantage of the "never mind" and change the subject or go back to watching Glee.
b) You can choose NOT to ignore the "never mind" and deal with the headache and torment of hearing what they have to say.
c) Get upset for them wasting your time and do what Darth Vader does and CHOKE THAT BEACH!!


Monday, January 23, 2012

My Favorite Internet Pictures From 2011

These always make me laugh...Enjoy!

(Kinda Racist, But Still Funny)

(Kinda Insensitive, But Still Funny)

(Kinda Ignorant, But Still Funny)

(Just Funny)

(Exactly How I Feel)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

We Love Superheroes...Bastards

Superheroes, we love watching them on screen don't we...probably wishing fiction was reality no doubt. Well, let's think this thing through for a second...

1. They Destroy Too Much Shit
Gas is on the rise again. Traffic already sucks balls. I don't think I can take it being any worse. Of course I love watching a douchebag get thrown through a building just as much as the next guy but damn that could my office..or yours when you think about it, and you can bet your job isn't going to have work breaks for cake and ice cream anymore if that happens. Who the hell REALLY wants that?! I need my cake and ice cream breaks got dammit.

2. They Always Come with a Villain Twice As Bad
As we've seen over and over the Villain always cares twice as less. I'd hate to be on the Metro Line they decide to take hostage...or at the strip club they decide to blow up for shits & giggles while I have a nice pair of perky tits in my face. And how the hell do they get out of jail so much?! I call bullshit, not even O.J. was able to avoid jail twice.

3. The Women Are Unrealistic
I have nothing against giving homosapiens with two X Chromosomes super powers they really always have to look like Super Models?! I've never seen a Superheroine that I didn't think was Fi-Y-ine (in my 90s R&B voice), symmetrical features with better buns than they serve at the Krusty Krab. For once I'd like to see a Superheroine and my reaction be..."Eh, she's ok." Is that too much to ask for? I already have enough problems dealing with the fact that I can't have Eva Mendes, I don't think I could handle any vagina with super powers running around half naked as well. 

4. The World Isn't Big Enough For Our Ego and Theirs
And by "our ego" I mean the US Military. You already KNOW how we get down in this b*tch. If we don't control it, we don't want anybody else controlling it. They definitely don't want it having a free will, LOL....not that it's a good thing of course, I'm just saying.

I'll continue to love watching them on the screen and we can stick to these kind of Heroes "walking" around. Good enough.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Takeover: Sex

    I wanted to use a more clever title for this post but it was going to have something to do with sports. So to be fair to those of you who act like you're too good to watch a game.....I made it simple. >__<

    I'm sure somewhere on your list of must haves when it comes to committing to a significant other, putting up with your friend with benefits or God forbid marrying someone...GOOD IN BED is #1 or #2 on that list. No..........I'm positive it's #1 for most of you, sorry for telling your secret. This requirement has become excessively popular. The guy, he's cute and thoughtful but he's not worth keeping around because having sex with him isn't meeting your expectations. The girl, she may be a little bipolar and probably a little more volatile but I should put up with her because having sex with her is always great. I bet our grandparents didn't settle down with each other because the sex was amazing (definitely if they're still together). If your parents are honest with you...they might confess that you were an accident but they'll also tell you that's not why they got together. You had to bring so much more to the table back in the day; what happened to the old way and how did we become so confused? used to be so clear, so defined and definitely the most important factor when it came to our relationships. As a man, the way you proved you loved her was by trusting her. By doing whatever you had to do to provide for her, with or without kids. Helping out around the house whenever you were asked to do so. If you weren't the sensitive type you were at least respectful to her, you know, letting her talk your ears off when she needed someone to vent to or coming home at a decent time or the time you promised. As a woman, the way you proved you loved him was by.....well, actually I can keep this part not being crazy. *Shots Fired* Nowadays since sex is misinterpreted as love we think that's the most important, sex.

Follow me here, I'm actually going somewhere I promise! a powerful thing there is no denying that, I'm not a loser. Sex is probably the most enjoyable way of bonding with another human being. The pleasure, the affection, the passion, the comfort & security, the implied emotional connection. But that's the common issue, the love, the emotional connection is implied. Love is supposed to be define and direct. You should be able see and measure how great one's love for you is with your own two eyes. Visually processing their actions and thinking to yourself "That nicca loooove me." You shouldn't have to struggle with your conscience on whether he or she is worth keeping around because you know deep down that the negatives out weigh the positives, especially when the only positive is what they're capable of doing in the bedroom. Sex is suppose to reinforce what positive feelings you have for one another, not the other way around. Don't let the sex hypnotize you, don't let it complicate your feelings when you know that person isn't right for you. Sex should legitimize what he or she already does outside the bedroom like: sending that "Good Morning Text" you need to start your day(without having to ask), picking you up from the airport at 6am even if they have to be to work at 8am, calling just to check in or say hello because you haven't talked to them all know, those intangibles aka "little things." TRUST ME...I know it's hard to have self control, to be critical of who you have sex with...abstinent for months or years even! Part of the confusion comes from everyone telling you that "Life is Short" but truth is you don't know! Not even the lunatic that predicted the world would end on May 20, 2011 knows for sure how long we have...and of course I'm presuming the Mayans don't know what they're talking about with that 2012 bullsh*t either. All jokes aside, what I'm trying to say is, don't let sex have dominion over your decisions on who you choose. Sex should be strengthening your relationship, not defining it........because being happy [with the choices you've made] is ALL that matters.

Raise Your Hand If You Can Read Minds!

  Besides a few Superheros and Sookie Stackhouse....oh, and myself of course, I haven't heard or read anywhere concerning any human being born with the ability to read minds. Have any of you? No, ok then I'll continue....there are more than 6,000 spoken languages in the World. There's also sign language because obviously deaf people can't read minds either. So why do you expect anyone to read YOUR mind?
  Regardless if a person speaks your language, known you their entire life, gave birth to you or have been dating you for years, they have never nor will they ever have the ability to read your mind. Silence, it won't get you far in this life. Have you ever heard of a mime pulling down a six figure salary? Nope. Do you think Harry Potter would've survived seven books if he never cast any spells? Nope. Or do you think the 911 operator will know what assistance you need if you call and don't say a damn thing? Not a chance. I find it highly irrational and unproductive that people constantly have this "mind reading" expectation from the people that care about them.
  As a child you do not have the right to lash out or be disrespectful to your parents because they don't understand you, they don't know the type of music you like or the clothes you prefer. There's a simple and effective way to change that....TELL THEM. There are a few expressions that suggest that speaking is more beneficial than silence: "Closed mouths don't get fed." "There's no such thing as a stupid question." and my personal favorite "say something, stupid." A healthy relationship with your parents is so so so important. The difference it makes in your life is really hard for me to compare to anything at the moment. I'm overwhelmed at the moment because in most of my young adult life I didn't have a close relationship with my parents (not for the reason of this topic) and now that I do, it feels so much better. But if it's truly your own fault that you don't have a close relationship with your parents because you have this make believe assumption that you can't open up to need to wake the fck up an fix that. Because if you're ever in a situation when they are the only ones who can help you, and you've been rotten to them, you have no one but yourself to blame if they decide to show you some "tough love."
  As a significant other, and we all know that women are the habitual offenders, it is extremely frustrating that you torment your conscience and unjustly ridicule your partner for not having the ability to read between the lines. I really want you to understand what I'm I'm about to explain so I'll break the phrase down. Read.......between.......the lines. The "between" portion of that phrase is ONLY for improvisation. It's a bonus, not a requirement. If you're constantly fighting with your partner because you said you were "fine" but you really weren't, then it's your fault, not theirs. You're not a year old anymore, no one should have to guess what you're trying to say unless you're playing charades. You need to get your shit together and grow up, say what you mean and mean what you say....then maybe you can keep a relationship for longer than a school year...without taking breaks.
  P.S. If you really really want a mind reader as a boyfriend...I'm single and ready to mingle. Text me (LADIES ONLY).

10 Quick Ways To Lose The Honey Before You Get To Taste

1. Questioning or Criticizing Her Appearance.
Don't ask if it's her real hair. Don't ask if it's her real hair color. And don't even think about telling her that you don't think she needs the make-up she's wearing. You wouldn't ask Rihanna's fine ass ANY of those questions so don't do it to her, just live in the moment and worry about that crap when you're the one paying for it.

2. A Premature "Babe."
Don't be like this guy and regret that you said the word and now shit is super awkward! Just to be on the safe side...don't EVER use that word before she does. If you have to, might as well only use it right before you pull out the engagement ring. If she has never called you one of those affectionate labels, chances are she doesn't think it's serious enough for "all" that yet. Drive slow homie...

3. P. D. A.
A lot of guys have ruined their chances or had to start all the way over after poorly executing some public display of affection. The key [danger] indicator here is "PUBLIC." In public, if you fck up there's little to no chance of recovering. Your best bet is to wait until no one is around and there's minimal visibility, so less chance for humiliation and a better setting for her to just let you go for it. Walk to the car or her doorstep...shit like that.

4. Don't Be a Bitch Dude.
No whining. No complaining. Even if you have a ton of pet peeves don't mention it unless it's a legit medically diagnosed condition. Make sure you bring some confidence to your any means necessary. 

5. Controlling or Possessive.
Did that work out well for Marc? Did that work out well for Ike? Oh ok...Jada Pinkett-Smith gets to "do" whatever she wants. She's happy, Will's like him and work on SELF control and if you reach the Honey Pot you might be there for a long time. Jealousy doesn't look good on anyone.

6. Excessive Texts or Phone Calls
Don't do it. Stop forcing a conversation or you'll drive her crazy. When she hits you with two shorts answers in a row or the classic "k" convo is over bro especially if it's late. Only time it's allowed is if she's about to make you late to the movies. I hate showing up to a movie ON TIME, we should be at least 30mins early. Fck I look like sitting right under the screen when I'm paying $12?! "Shiiiiit, girl you better bring that ass." (That was in my pimp voice.)
7. Vulgar Compliments
Most's a TRAP. If she brought the girls to dinner it's only to test you. The way to pass this test and get a step closer to laying those Honey Buns on those new Martha Stewart sheets you just bought from K Mart is to be vague! Can't go wrong with a simple "you look great" or some other non specific adjective.
8. Don't Be Lame.
Those douche bag pickup lines that you laugh at on the internet...yeah leave that shit right where you found it. Women (who aren't in front of a camera) don't think it's attractive...just corny. Not many women are letting corny dudes near their canal of sweet nectar. Ask Nick. 

9. No Substance In Your Conversations.
There's really no easy way to coach this one, I just know it's a bad thing. Just try to have a little more to talk about than your ex's, Lil Wayne, sex and whatever you saw on E! News the past few days. None of that is gonna convince her that you can last a few rounds in the Hot Box, probably just gonna bore her to death. But hey...good luck bro, more for me.
10. Don't Be Her Social Media Buddy.
Especially if both of you are equally into social media then that might be a disaster waiting to happen. Regardless if you make a relationship official on Facebook or not...the other guys she knows don't give two shits about that. So if you choose to follow or friend remember you only have two choices that you can take to keep you in the game...First, get some thick skin. Second, hold your tongue. (Remember what I said about being controlling.)

These might not be so helpful if you're trying to date a hoodrat. But feel free to come back to this page in a few years when you mature. Peace...