Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Shallow O, There's (a little bit of) One In You Too

I'm shallow, I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm aware that the term is usually synonymous with a guy being a "douche bag" or "asshole" but, not when it comes to me. I'm a total fcuking gentleman when it comes down to it so that's why I'm not afraid to make such a bold proclamation. You're probably judging the shit out of me right now but I swear this is for a good cause, and the pretty heauxs know how I get funky with the chivalry nshit so JUDGE AWAY assholes. Moving on.....If you haven't noticed...I kind of like to hear myself talk so it doesn't bother me when I have to explain myself every time the person who's requested the response from me gives the reaction of pure bewilderment.

The question that usually exposes my superficial preference is: "O, would you leave your woman if she got fat?"


First..."got fat" (in my head) means they've gained 50-70+ pounds that had absolutely nothing to do with baby weight. She might have been eating for two but it didn't have shit to do with a fetus growing in her. If I met her at 110lbs or 130lbs or 155lbs for that matter than I expect her to remain 10-15lbs within that weight range.

Second...if at a certain point in our relationship she feels the need to eat her got damn feelings then that probably means that I'm no longer capable of being her man. Gluttony is often a stress reliever for some people. If she's so stressed out that she can't talk to me about whatever may be going on than that means somewhere along the road to Candyland she lost faith in me, and I am no longer a sufficient enough distraction from her problems. Food makes her happier than I can.

Third...letting her "get fat" while I sit idle and do nothing is the beginning of a very fcuked up situation. I'll let you get fat. You'll think I'll still be faithful because you're a good person. I start going Tigerstyle on anything that moves. You finally confront me about cheating and not being intimate with you anymore. I blame it on your weight gain and how I'm not attracted to you anymore. You eat more cake blah, blah, blah.

Watching my girl get fat is pretty much manipulation in its most conniving form. That's not my steez so if I can't fix you or encourage you to maintain your good looks then this relationship isn't meant to be and I'll cut my losses and get the fcuk outta dodge. I'm not all douchey about my shallowness I'm just realistic. Appearance matters. It matters the moment I meet you. It matters after we have our first child. It matters after our youngest graduates from High School.

I'm not a moron, I know people age and tend to look older as their number of years alive has significantly passed that of a death row inmate. I'm not saying she always has to look young but she does always need to keep up with herself. Because remember...there's always some young slores out there trying to seduce your man. Preserving a physically fit and healthy body, properly managing a decent look about your hairdo daily, and well maintained hygiene is very important to me and always will me. No exceptions. Take it or leave it, beach. And a couple cap fulls of vinegar in your bath every now and then won't hurt either. The wise Bubba Sparxx once said "Get it right. Get it tight." *TABERNACLE*

Enough about me...your turn.

You've probably been programmed to think "It's the inside that counts..." WRONG. They lied to you growing up. The inside only counts the most when you have a Hostess cake in your hand and the cream filling is missing. Selection starts with attraction and we as human beings are attracted to a persons looks, what they have, what they drive, what they wear. The OUTSIDE is everything and the intangibles and qualities they possess is a mere bonus. Nobody wants to fcuk a personality. Beaches don't want to fcuk George Clooney because of his personality. Niqqas don't care if Rihanna is bat shit crazy we'd (yes I'm including myself) still take a chance at her bearing our children aka it's going down without a raincoat, baby!

I'd just really appreciate if everyone would be like me and admit that physical attraction holds the majority votes when it comes to deciding whether or not you're going to date someone. There are exceptions to every rule (i.e. Beauty & Beast, J.Lo & Mark Anthony, T.I. & Tiny). Some people have the opportunity to get to know someone before they're immediately attracted to them and even then they at least have to be a 6 to sleep with them. So with the exclusion of arranged marriages nshit...most people seek out another individual by what they see, not because of who they are as a person. Beauty. Age. Vehicle. Clothing. Teeth. Hair. Eyes. Money. A little more than half of those things IMMEDIATELY matter to you when someone approaches you. No matter how nice they are.

If you want to be selective. Be selective. If you don't want to settle. Don't settle. Don't let anyone tell you that the superficial things that matter to you are worth giving up for a "good guy" or a "good girl." Because you are the one that has to make that choice and possibly live with it for the rest of your life. Be like me. Demand that they have to be good looking and a good woman. There's nothing wrong with having both. Compromising, I believes, will lead to regret. Regret will lead to a break up or divorce. If that's not the end result you want than don't do it. Period.

Stay Shallow My Friends (In my Dos Equis Man voice)

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