Well...Adulthood Kinda Sucks. I Don't Want My Children's To Suck Too

 

So I'm at the time in my life where I find a woman I can procreate with...that won't betray me (another day) and it's finally time we start talking about His & Her values. I'll admit I haven't spent much time listen to Her values, mostly because she only carries the baby but I'm going to be the one taking care of it and raising it because she knows how excited I'm going to be to do everything. AND WITHOUT MY BABY BATTER HER EGGS WOULD BE NOTHING! No but seriously...I'll give her plenty of time to tell me everything once she's preggers and her emotions start mutating into "SHEHULKTIONS."

(Moving on)

For a brief moment when I was a child I thought life was good. Then...I turned 7 and can't remember what real freedom feels like now. That freedom of choosing my own path because of what I feel. That freedom of wanting to learn something new without it having to be career related, college related, bill related, gas related, gender related. The freedom of wearing what I want because I fucking feel like it. The freedom of doing the right thing for reasons I decide without the opinions of others determining how comfortable I am with it and if it's acceptable or not. It wasn't until 24 years of age that I truly started living for MOI. Ain't that some sad shit?! Lmao. That's okay though, I know some of you assholes are in the same boat...stop lying to yourself...you still have some shit you're struggling with too.

It's all because adults always want to tell children what, when, where, and how to do something...simply because they can. Honestly, some parents are just like the people that are running this country, the same assholes each and everyone of you elect and hate (at the same damn time). They tell you only what's necessary, whatever sounds good at the time, whatever they need to say in order for you to do what they want you to do...........I ONT LIKE IT. Why not just tell me the whole truth the first time. It would save sooooo much of both our times on the backend lol. I used to hate hearing the phrase "When you're an adult..." or "When you're grown..." as a forthcoming answer to a question I've asked. Parents omit and lie about everything and expect us....the inexperienced, recently graduated from pubescence and now in charge of fucking up everything we touch in our life...to have all the "correct" answers. 

As of now I have predetermined that I always want to have open communication with my children...about everything. I know some people say this all the time but I really mean it. Kids don't annoy me. Nothing about them actually. How much energy they have 24fucking7. How many questions they ask. How starved for attention they are. None of that gets under my skin. There are some types of behavior that get to me though and it goes the same for adults. Don't be rude, don't lie for selfish reasons, don't be obnoxious on purpose, don't hurt anyone on purpose (physically and emotionally), don't steal anything other than music off the internet lol, don't talk down to people, and don't ever put your hands on me like you wanna hurt me...you might fucking die. 

See to me that's as simple to execute as it is to type. Kids will listen to you better when you're honest, when you're genuine, and when you tell them to do something because it's the right thing to do, not because "you said so." Be good to people until they give you a reason not to. And that goes for your children too. What did they do to you? You're the one who accumulated all the bills you couldn't handle trying to live the life you couldn't afford. And now you wanna tell him to stay in school so they can take care of you when they grow up. WRONG ANSWER! Bitch...what if what I want to do doesn't require me to stay in school? Now you gon make me nshit?! How'd that turn out for you.............oh ok. 

I'm gonna guide my kids. Not rule them. And maybe just maybe it won't take them 24-42 years to realize they don't know shit and secretly unhappy with where they are and what they're doing with their life.

Lemonade Is The New Ranch

BREAKING NEWS: Lemonade is good with everything! Seriously, it's amazing the plethora of uses they have for lemonade these days. I honestly don't understand why it wasn't in the Bible. You know that one day...that God rested after making the Heavens and the Earth...he probably had a cold glass of lemonade to celebrate. And OMG can you imagine how GOOD the lemonade must be up in heaven, dawg?! If its better than Simply Lemonade or Chick-Fil-A Lemonade you can take me now Lord...because that's some bomb ish to look forward to! Muthafucking ice cubes probably taste like Mangoes & Eva Mendes' tears.

What's not to love about lemonade though?! Nigga LET ME COUNT THE WAYS, it's good with Ice Tea, Sweet Tea, Mango, Strawberry, Raspberry, Alcohol, Hot Dogs, Burgers, Hangovers, Sprite and I've recently found out that it's good with Coke too (the cola not the drug), it's good frozen...I'm getting thirsty now so just think about what I said and spread the gospel.

Marriage: The Forsaken Dream

Marriage has a black eye in the eyes of many, maybe two broken ribs, a busted lip, and a missing tooth. There's such a bad perception of marriage right now that the government won't even let gay people get married. We both know that has nothing to do with it but I wanted to slide it in there anyway. I'm not old enough to know exactly when marriage started on this slippery slope nor am I looking for it because I don't get paid for research and you didn't come here for facts, lol.


We live in a time where men are praised for being players and women are saluted for being strong and single. Monogamy is not encouraged and commitment is viewed as a hindrance to free will and ambition. Women are bitches. Men are assholes....basically a bunch of "glass half empty" fueled opinions. I know that negativity dwells in the forefront of our conscience far better than the positives, but it's definitely something YOU CAN change if you make the effort.


I'm no stranger to seeing failed marriages or witnessing a couple rush in to that sacred union then start the divorce papers before they can even move in together. Get hitched, have three kids, go through hell, then suddenly seem happier once they separate. There have been a few that I thought would "make it" and 10+ years later their marriage is shit too. Even after witnessing all that...I don't think being married sucks. Divorce sucks. People in general suck. But marriage, that shit "SHOULDN'T" suck.

I don't think the titles 'Husband' or 'Wife' come with a job description. Sometimes it seems that's where it all goes wrong for some men and women...having a "list." A woman has to cook, clean, stay home with the kids, watch football, eat sour patch kids, wear lingerie to bed on Saturday nights, have food on the table when a man gets home, be a freak, and lets not forget the old testament favorite...be obedient (no questions asked). A man has to take the trash out, cut the grass, get his woman's car washed, man the grill at cookouts, open doors, give a woman his jacket when it's cold, and let's not forget every woman's new favorite...catch a grenade for her. (1st, fcuk that. 2nd, even if I catch the damn thing it has a 45 meter radius so you're dead anyway. 3rd, how the fcuk did you make someone mad enough to want to kill you with a grenade?! Not a gun or a knife but a fcuking grenade?! Either you take cover with me or you're...well I hope you think of something clever heaux.) 

Being shallow and a Sagittarius, I'm already hard to please. Not because I have high standards or only desire a specific body type or ethnicity but because I'm uncompromising to the obsolete, irrational, traditional views on relationships. Besides this blog, I don't voice my opinions on people without their permission or only at their request. I mind my business. I have that same point of view when it comes to any woman I'm dealing with. I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm not a pastor. I'm not your parent. So therefore it's not my job nor is it my responsibility to facilitate any type of transformation your personality needs to go through in order for you to be a rational adult and own up to your strengths and more importantly your weaknesses. 

I don't believe marriage is something you do because you love someone.You can love a lot of people...easily. I don't think marriage is something you do because you have a child with someone...you can have a child with a lot of people...easily. You marry someone because they're perfect for you. Just the way they are. 

I'm going to teach my children to always think before you speak. Don't make decisions when you're emotional. Just because someone is mad and screaming at you doesn't mean you have to respond. Always see and change what they're doing wrong before they place blame on anyone. That you can always be a good person no matter who hurts you. Never to let anyone change the way they think or do things so someone can love them more. To love to do the right thing, not because some book, tv show, or horoscope tells you to, but because you want to. Take your time with love because people with bitter feelings over their past eventually show their true colors. And that marriage isn't something you do because you love someone it's something you do when it's the only thing left to do in your relationship. 

Lunch Time: The Best Time of the Day

According to me, the expert on all things that can't be proven by math and science, lunch time has to be the single most nostalgic, amazing, and therapeutic part of your fcuking day. I know you just thought to yourself that it's not....lie to yourself again and I'll slap the shit out of you. How dare you second guess how important lunch is to you! Lunch has probably been the most consistent thing in your life next to the entire cast of Young and the Restless. (Seriously I think that show's had the same cast since 1933)

When we were babies we had lunch...and we didn't even have shit to do! We didn't have a schedule, we didn't have anywhere to be, what were our shitty booty lil asses doing having lunch?! (I had lunch because I was a little boss of course, not sure you) Lunch was great in Pre-K wasn't it, because you knew after everyone finished you were about to go outside to push some girls on the ground, bully the weirdo's imaginary friend just for fun, maybe touching the playground attendant inappropriately because she didn't think you knew what you were doing so she'd let you get away with it...and then you'd take a nap before going home. Lunch was great in grade school because that's when you learned how to sell and trade your lunch to the spoiled brats who didn't know any better and you pretty much did the same thing you did at recess that you did in Pre-K lol. Lunch was so important in middle school and high school. Looking back of course you think "why?" and it still won't matter but lunch was just as important as Tina Fey laid it out for us in Mean Girls.

Who you sat with at lunch defined your social status somehow no matter how much you want to pretend like it didn't. You've probably already guessed how I acted after I finished eating and went outside..........YUP, STRAIGHT FOOL, much like Big Mike, Roland, and Slim in 'The Wood'

Out of all the history we've learned through the years, out of all the lessons generations before us tried to teach how come they never told us how fcuking awesome lunches would be for THE REST OF MY FCUKING LIFE. Since I've been an adult I look forward to lunch so fcuking bad dawg! Especially on days you don't want to be there, it's like your whole morning drags and drains the life out of you then suddenly you think to yourself "damn what time is it"...you slowly look to the bottom right corner of your computer screen and it's the exact time you want it to be...LUNCH TIME (Fcuk Yeah. Fireworks. Explosion. Marching Band. 'This Is How We Do It' starts playing in the background. More Fireworks. HALLELUJAH!) I think I'm excited most about lunch because I know I'm halfway there...my day is almost over and I can get the fcuk out of here. You can run errands during your lunch, take something to the post office, go for a walk, go for a drive nshit, go to the store, do some online shopping, write a blog post (hehe), catch up on work or homework....whatever your heart desires sometimes.  

No matter how you look at it lunch time is a much needed break and it's here to stay [awesome].

Lunch is so awesome even unemployed people take a lunch.

When You Truly Don't Give a Fcuk Who Is In Your Way

When the new Jordans or Foams get released

It's a new trend but pretty much it's "get down or lay down" I here. I don't wear those shoes so I wouldn't know from experience. Just be careful.

When you have to take a shit or pee really bad

I don't know what it is but you become more elusive than Mike Vick when you're running to the bathroom. 

When you have to vomit

Babies have never given a fcuk who they throw up on (bastards) but you know the deal...sometimes you make it a toilet...sometimes you don't.

When a fight breaks out

Whether you're running from the fight or running to it. Somebody better look both ways before crossing.

When a dog is chasing you

I think these are dogs where he's from! O__O

When a bug sneaks up on you

Big or small if I hear or see a bug flying around my head just back the fcuk up or you might get punched.

When white men are chasing you

I don't give a fcuk what Mel Gibson says...If you see a pack of White Boys coming after you....smdh....they're gonna fcuk you (literally), kill you, THEN get away with it. 

Last but not least....



That awkward moment when you realize your Uncle Scar FCUKED YOU!

Stop Whispering Near Me

I don't know about you...but it annoys thee fcuk out of me when two or more people are whispering within my audio range. It's not the possibility of you actually talking about me that annoys me. It's not the repeated use of consonants that make it sound like you're whispering my name every thirteen seconds. It's not the giggling. It's not the fact that it could be some juicy ass gossip that I'd care about enough to make me celebrate like the time I saw Anne Hathaway's chesticles in 'Love & Other Drugs' (which I had been waiting to see since Princess Diaries).......It's the fact that anywhere from 60 seconds to 20+ minutes I had to sit or stand there and PRETEND I wasn't ear hustling thee WHOLE. FCUKING. TIME. When all I really wanted to do was pull a Dwight Schrute. (See below)

That shit is hard to do (successfully), bro.We're all entitled to do whisper wherever we choose, I think. After the age of 13 I don't think it's rude anymore. But, don't get mad when you look over your shoulder and someone is staring you in the face. You could have went to the hallway, Sea World, stairwell, car, Grand Canyon, restroom, or kitchen....instead you chose to whisper to your friend 2-15 fcuking feet away from me and now I'm the one that feels more awkward than the persons who blatantly can't mind their own business. SO...not fair.

TITTYOPOLIS

TITTIES HERE.


TITTIES THERE.


FUCKING TITTIES EVERYWHERE.


I LOVE TITTIES I DON'T CARE.


BIG ASS TITTIES MAKE ME STARE.


DON'T HIDE THOSE TITTIES, THAT'S NOT FAIR.


FLASH THOSE TITTIES, SHOW YOU CARE.


SHAKE YOUR TITTIES, DOUBLE DARE.


BRING THOSE TITTIES OVER HERE.


I'M ON A BOAT, JOIN ME DEAR.


WOULD YOUR TITTIES LIKE TO STEER?


WOULD YOUR TITTIES LIKE A BEER?


"HEY ASSHOLE, EYES UP HERE."


GIRL YOUR TITTIES DRIVE ME WILD.


GIRL YOUR TITTIES MAKE ME SMILE.


CAN YOUR TITTIES STAY A WHILE?


NOW I'VE GOT YOUR TITTIES DRUNK.


YOUR BIG ASS TITTIES GET ME CRUNK.


I LOVE YOUR TITTIES I CAN'T FRONT.


I LIKE YOUR TITTIES WHEN THEY'RE UP, SITTING HIGH LIKE ESCALADES.


THROW SOME WATER ON THEM THANGS, TITTIES WET LIKE EVERGLADES.


T-SHIRT TITTIES. TANK TOP TITTIES. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR TITTIES WEAR.


ITTY BITTY. TIG OLE BITTIES. I LOVE EM ALL NOW FUCKING SHARE.


LICKING TITTIES, THAT'S THE SHIT.


SUCKING TITTIES, THAT'S MY SHIT.


I'LL BITE THAT SHIT.


YOU'LL LIKE THAT SHIT.


AND NOW YOU GOT ME TITTY WHIPPED.


DAMN...I LIKE SUGAR, AND TITTIES. I LIKE SUGAR TITS.


DAMN...I LIKE POWER, AND TITTIES. I LIKE SUPER TITS.


DAMN, I'M SO FUCKING GLAD I LIVE IN TITTYOPOLIS.